Dear Diary
by WankyBrittanaLover
Summary: Diaries are a funny thing. You write, hoping no one reads your intimate thoughts, but deep down you know that anyone might. I should have learned my lesson with my previous diary, but writing is my escape. And that's all I need right now. An escape...


_Dear Diary:_

_Diaries are a funny thing. You write, hoping no one reads your intimate thoughts, but deep down you know that anyone might. I should have learned my lesson with my previous diary, but writing is my escape. And that's all I need right now. An escape._

_And why is that all I need? Well, I'm trapped behind bars for something I didn't do. Does it surprise me? No. Should I have seen this coming? Yes. Was I naïve enough to believe the girls were going to be on my side again before things got out hand? Probably. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I shouldn't punish myself when life is already taking care of that. I guess it's easier to just blame everyone else instead. It's easier to blame my brother for being such a gullible ass and for turning me in just because he saw a video of someone with blonde hair, or maybe even a blonde wig, kill Mona. He didn't even see my face, but he still turned me in. It's easier to blame my dad for not bailing me out. It's easier to blame Mona for turning the girls against me. And it's definitely easier to blame my former friends for bringing me down completely. But I'm done taking the easy way out. And I'm done with the self pity. I'm just done with everything in general, and that includes blame._

_As I write this, I feel nothing. My heart isn't even beating right. And I'm not a sappy girl or anything, quite the opposite actually, but it's true. I can't sleep. I can't eat. Time seems to go by slowly. Some girls keep hitting me and bruising my body. Others keep hitting ON me. And maybe a few years ago, the attention would have flattered me, but now I just want everything to stop. I want to disappear. I give up, I gave up the moment the police arrested me. And of course, I couldn't show the traitors so. But I know Emily noticed. I saw the lump in her throat as she dared to look me in the eyes while they handcuffed me as if I were a real criminal. The rest were cold, but Emily… I know she felt a bit of my pain. And I wonder if she still does._

_I wonder if… when she's with Paige… she thinks about me. I heard Paige was moving to California. But I think it was just a rumor. I don't think she'd leave after getting what she wanted in the first place. It sickens me to think that the person who led the police to me is the one who gets the girl. I guess that's what happens when everyone knows you as the manipulative bitch._

_But if I were a manipulative bitch… why would I be here… writing about Emily and the rest… wishing they'd save me from this earthly hell? Why would I be here… thinking about my last kiss with Emily… instead of saying something romantic to her to get her to stay by side?_

_No one freaking gets me. I'm so… broken. And I know that Emily is the least of my worries but I trusted her, dammit! I came back for her! I fucking came back for her! I apologized. I tried my best. But it's never enough, is it? I'm never enough. I'm just a pretty girl who lies. When in reality… I'm just a girl who keeps secrets to stay alive. I've trusted so many people in the last two years and they've all collectively broken me beyond repair. Yeah… THE Alison DiLaurentis is broken… THE Alison Dilaurentis ACTUALLY has feelings. She isn't a monster who feeds on people's misery, she's an actual human being with a heart. Is that too hard to believe? Apparently it is._

_I don't even know who I am anymore. I look in the shitty bathroom mirror and I can't even recognize myself. I don't know who I am without my friends… They were so important to me. They don't understand that they were all I had for years. My brother never talked to me. My dad was never home. My mom would always make me feel bad about myself. And every other boy in my life was just… a boy. I never fell in love with any of them. My friends… or former friends… act as if all they were for me were some puppets. But they don't know they're the reason I'm alive today. They helped me keep going all that time I was missing. If it weren't for them… I think I might have killed myself… I think I might have ended it all a while ago. Because no matter where I went, no matter where I was, I was unhappy. I was miserable. All that time I was gone, I was miserable. And sure, I had Shana, but lol look how that turned out! And I had Noel, but he was never on my side for real reasons. And I had Cece but she had her own shit too. I was on my own. All I could do to keep going was to think about the people that were genuinely sad because I was gone. About my friends. About Emily. Especially about Emily… Because… I freaking had to leave town in order to accept that I loved her. _

_I had to leave town in order to accept that I love, present tense, her. _

_The further away I am from her… the more I crave her… She's the drug I kept coming back for. A called her the weakest link, when in reality, she was MY weakness. Just thinking about her makes my eyes water and my heart tremble. But I rather feel my heart shatter than to not feel it at all. I guess I'm a masochist like that. _

_But I'm just rambling now… Well, I intend to keep writing as much as I can… And to hide my diary from everyone for as long as possible… For how long can I be able do that? I don't know. But I guess I'll give it a try. I have nothing to lose anyways, so. _

_I guess I have to try to get some rest now. Emphasis on the "try". May every other day be at least a little bit shittier than today._

_-Love, _

_Ali_


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